It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of a sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all of your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1, July 4 & December 25.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However we require at least two week’s notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with “A” will go from 8:00AM to 8:20AM. All employees whose name begins with “B” will go from 8:20AM to 8:40AM and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition there is not a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, insinuations, allegations, accusations contemplation, consternation’s or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.